治疗性争吵

婚姻中的一个最大问题是双方都"自以为对你好"――我觉得我在纠正你，你应该听我的呀，我是对你好啊。可双方都没有认识到，这种想法往往发展成为"治疗性争吵"（therapeutic quarrels）。

这是《幸福双人床》（Mars VS Venus） Episodo 10 中的一段完整婚姻辅导，虽然后续剧情是丈夫忍不住提出离婚，但辅导本身很能说明问题。

C (婚姻辅导师): Hi, Mr Liu. Good to see both of you here. It shows you're willing to change things. That's a good start. Please take a seat. （跟丈夫打招呼，让两人坐）

H (老公): I don't see how a counsellor can solve the problems between us. （老公不满，认为婚姻辅导师不能解决问题）

C: But of course. We can only offer you counsel and suggestions. The two of you will need to come together to solve the problems. Since we're here. It won't hurt to stay a while. （我们只提供建议，既然来了，不妨坐一会儿）

W (老婆): Why are you so impatient? （问老公，为什么不耐烦？）

H: You and your silly ideas. （鄙视！）

C: Mr Liu, what do you see as the biggest problem between you two? （问老公，你觉得你们两个最大问题是什么？）

W: His mother, of course! She's a control freak who meddles in our lives. She sows discord, just like the wicked mother-in-law in TV dramas. （老婆抢答，当然是他妈妈，她是控制狂，制造不和谐。）

H: Why complain about my mother? See, she won't even let me answer your question. She's the trouble-maker! （为什么说我妈。对辅导师，看，她甚至不让我回答你的问题，她才是麻烦制造者。）

W: You're blind to your mother's true colours! （你没有看到你妈妈的真面目！）

C: Cool it. Let me pose both of you a question. Mr Liu, do you find less freedom and more responsibilities after marriage? （冷静。让我问你们两位一个问题。刘先生，你是不是发现婚后少了很多自由多了很多责任？）

H: Of course. She interferes in everything. （当然，她什么事都管。）

C: Do you find romance decreased and pragmatism increased? （对老婆，你是不是发现少了浪漫多了现实？）

W: I'd say there is no romance at all! I worry about him squandering the money and the family going broke. I worry about the daily necessities in life. I face a lot more pressure too! （哪里还有浪漫！他到处赌钱，家里都要破产，柴米油盐水费电费哪一样不要我操心，我压力也很大！）

C: Let's go on to doing a test. You have 5 minutes to write on the board your spouse's strengths. You may begin. （我们做一个测试，五分钟在白板上写下对方的优点。） ... Time's up.（时间到，两人白板空空） ... Let's put down the weaknesses then. Again, you have 5 minutes. Start （现在写缺点，五分钟）.... Time's up（时间到，两人白板满满）.... Since you have so many grouses about the other party, why didn't you talk about them in the first place? The biggest problem in a marriage is the self-righteous tone we take on... to demand the other party to change. But we fail to realize it often leads to therapeutic quarrels. （婚姻中的一个最大问题是双方都"自以为对你好"――我觉得我在纠正你，你应该听我的呀，我是对你好啊。可双方都没有认识到，这种想法往往发展成为"治疗性争吵"。）

W: Therapeutic quarrels?

C: You think i'm correcting you and i think you should be listening to me. In the end, both parties can't go on talking to each other, further straining the ties. A married couple is like a coin with 2 different sides; yet they are stuck together. Since that's the case, there should be communication & acceptance. Give voice to your feelings. Don't let them snowball. Or it may erode the trust husband and wife, leading to more serious problems. Marriage is a long journey. That's why a couple should walk in step with each other, or the gap them will widen to the point of no return. （夫妻就像硬币正反两面，要多沟通，不要让抱怨滚雪球，不然会破坏夫妻间信任，导致更严重的问题。婚姻是长途旅行，要白头偕老，不然积重难返，云云。）

问题一，老婆不要抢老公的话，反之亦然。这样双方才有充分表达的可能。先控制好自己的情绪，才能控制对方的情绪。

问题二，老公不要讲少了自由，其实双方都少了自由。先管理好自己的时间，再来管理家庭的时间。

问题三，老公种种不良习惯。不良习惯当然不好，比如赌钱。先协调好自己的资源，才好处理家庭的资源。

问题四，扯上对方父母。两个人应该为自己的家拿主意，让父母安安心心地享福。

问题五，家庭里的那点事，如果放在公司管理层面上看，问题都能界定的很清楚（争取决策权等等），但却不是能用形形色色的公司治理理论解决的。家和万事兴。两个人吵吵闹闹却都说是为了孩子好，那不是扯吗。所以有些基本的应对方式是可以把握的，有烦恼多沟通，不要情绪失控。

结婚的过程并不复杂但很琐碎，方式种种都能做得细致得体，只要长辈满意、新人幸福就好。婚姻却是一生的事！

下面三个 case 我也基本有否定态度。《四惠地铁情侣双双越下轨道》，女的不是在追求幸福是在毁掉幸福，男的不是在处理危机是在扩大危机；《当医生的宝宝遭遇感冒》，老婆为什么不能完全信任老公了，更何况老公本来就是医生。《别让孩子过得像马戏团的熊》，应该更多地给孩子自主选择的机会，更何况这孩子比你两个大人还聪明。

附上从网上找来的《幸福双人床》语录，适合各位不论婚否的朋友。需要说明的是，《幸福双人床》是新加坡的中文剧，不过只找到英文字幕。

~MARS VS VENUS~

Men's vista is only 30degrees.
Whereas women's 180degrees.
(That's y women can gossip and walk and shop for things that they want at the same time.)

In average, men 放屁 12x a day, women 7x a day.

A woman needs to know just one man to understand men.
Even if a man knows all the women, he may not understand women at all.
（女人认识一个男人就认识所有男人，男人即使认识所有女人，还是一点也懂女人。）

Many understandings start b'coz of a lack of communication.

Why the high number of divorces? Basically:
-Men & Women have inherent differences.
-Lifestyle habits & personality traits differ too.
-Those closest to you can inflict the most hurt on you.(cos' you know each other's weaknesses)

Once communication is lacking, you hurt the other party to express your unhappiness.

Communication breaks any barrier while an absence of it hurts.

Good men have an expiry date; Good women are no exception either.

Women long for men's love & attention.
Men long for women's respect & adoration.

A man is no proof against a woman's sweet profession of remorse.

When 2 women fall for the same man, one of them is bound to get hurt.

男人是用"下半身"思考,
女人考�的却是"下半生".

PHEROMONE:
It's a colourless chemical produced by organisms of own body and exuded thru' the skin.
No 2 people's pheromones are the same.
If a man's pheromone matches a woman's, they'll be attracted to each other.
And when 2 people are attracted to each other; they'll be in a state of joy,
And find everything around them beautiful.
The odds of finding 2 pheromones that match are a few Ten of Thousands to ONE.
So once you find it, do treasure it. It's very rare.
(I WAS WONDERING IF THIS PHEROMONE THINGY IS TRUE ANOTX...)

Grouses should be talked about in the 1st place.
The biggest problem in a marriage is the self-righteous tone we take on...to demand the other party to change. "自以为对你好".
But we fail to realise it often leads to therapeutic quarrels.
--> You think i'm correcting you and i think you should be listening to me.
In the end, both parties can't go on talking to each other, further straining the ties.

A married couple is like a coin with 2 different sides; yet they are stuck together.
Since that's the case, there should be communication & acceptance.
Give voice to your feelings.
Don't let them snowball.
Or it may erode the trust b/w husband and wife, leading to more serious problems.
Marriage is a long journey.
That's why a couple should walk in step with each other, or the gap b/w them will widen to the point of no return.

Men's lies are full of loopholes.
Women are alot better at it. (Not really lor. SOME women can't lie larhs. DUMB.)

A man is successful when what he Earns Exceeds what His Wife Spends.
A woman is successful when she has found such man.

A Moment of Folly, a Lifetime of Implications.

Home is where the heart prevails, not the mind.

When a man hurts for a woman, he's already fallen hard for her.
男人为女人感到痛时, 他已经爱上她了.

Universe is designed to break your heart.

Men love submissive women, but when a man falls for a woman, he listens to her.

Women only want a listening ear in men; not someone to correct her.

Nothing is more cruel to a woman than to be betrayed by your best friend & husband.

Seeking divorce over a small issue, but marriage is not a card game.
Think about the price to pay in shuffling a deck of cards again.
(And the order will never be the same again.)

Is alcohol the only way a man give vent to his sorrows?
(No, but [Maybe it's the tipsy effect; but it's perfect.])

Wilfulness is a stumbling block in a marriage.

Women worry about their future before marriage,
Men worry about it after marriage.

Men don't like to make promises to women, b'coz they are well aware of the consequences.

Two people in love passing each other by, thanks to a quirk of fate.

"I live and breathe for you.
It felt like death sentence when you doubt me.
Time simple stood still." (Sounds familiar??Hehes.)

It takes a third party to arouse a man's jealousy.

A man who turns 40 is mature & charming.
A woman who turns 40 has to bid farewell to youth & beauty.

Men just can't find truth in a vixen.(Are they Dumb or Stupid?!)

When a couple divorce, the children suffers the most.

Men look at women with their eyes and are easily seduced by beauty;
Women look at men with their heart and are prone to emotional torture.

It takes a lifetime to build a friendship, but a second to destroy it.

女人往往推动男人.
男人往往感动女人.

Where there is true love, there is tolerance & forgiveness.
（真爱必有宽恕）

心中有爱 只看到优点.
心中有恨 只看到缺点.

But one can't always trust a woman's word.

Good communication keeps a marriage going.

放下仇恨, 才能拿起快乐!

[THE LAST EPISODE'S STARTING MESSAGE]
爱一个人:
是接受 而不是忍受
是宽容 而不是纵容
是支持 而不是支配
是慰问 而不是质问
是倾诉 而不是控诉
是难忘 而不是遗忘!

患难时 真情自然流露.
理智时 真情就被隐藏.

求婚不是男人的专利, 遇到真爱, 女人可以争取自己的幸福!!

吃醋就是: 当他和别的女人一起时, 自己度日如年...

头发剪短了 可以再长
幸福失去了 未必找得回
美满的婚姻 不是理所当然的
努力经营 才会有持久的幸福.

WE HAVE TO PURSUE OUR OWN HAPPINESS!..

世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死,而是我站在你面前你却不知道我爱你.
世界上最遥远的距离不是我站在你面前你不知道我爱你,而是两个明明彼此相爱却不能在一起.
世界上最遥远的距离不是两个明明彼此相爱不能在一起,而是用自己冷漠的心对爱你的人所筑起的一道道篱笆.

因为害怕失去你,所以我选择不去爱.
因为害怕受伤害,所以我选择微笑走开... ...
不要轻易的说一个承诺,也不要轻易的说爱这个字.
因为我们都不知道彼此是不是彼此的唯一... ...
爱是两个人的债,所以彼此要一起还...
而不是让一个人默默付出...
如果我是老鼠,你是猫.有天你没有找到食物,我会让你吃掉我,
因为只要你幸福就是我的满足...所以无论什么时候只要你幸福,我就会很快乐...